COUNTY AGENT GUY
Struggling to open my eyes, I discovered that I was trapped in a land of giants.
The colossal beasts lurched about the bleak cell, emitting dreadful smells and muttering sounds that were unalloyed gibberish.
They hovered over me and made faces, often pulling back their slick, ghastly lips to expose their horrible teeth. Sometimes they formed their mouths in such a way that owlish noises issued from their fetid maws.
I tried to communicate with the disgusting behemoths, but my best efforts proved futile. Compounding my horrifying situation was the fact that I was inexplicably naked. This was deeply mortifying; my humiliation knew no bounds.
The giants somehow perceived this and wrapped me loosely in a large piece of cloth which I surmised had been cut from a sail.
This only increased my sense of indignity and I grimly resolved that I should immediately effect an escape.
But alas! The gravity of the alien planet was so immense that my legs were rendered rubbery and useless. Try as I might, I found that I couldn’t even change my position on the crude litter upon which I lay. My limbs could only flail in frustration.
It suddenly dawned that I was completely at the mercy of these monsters! There was no way to communicate with my missing crewmates and no hope of summoning assistance from headquarters.
It was then that I realized I would have to engineer my own rescue. Grim determination coursed through my veins as I began to formulate a plan.
First and foremost would be to regain the use of my arms and legs. Time and constant exercise, I knew, would be the key to success in this area.
Next would be to study the language of my cyclopean captors so that I could discover and exploit their every weakness. Their lingo was like nothing I had heretofore encountered, with numerous and abrupt tonal changes and seemingly random inflections. It was apparent that this part of my escape plan would consume a great deal of time and effort.
As I lay there striving to analyze their babble, events abruptly took a shocking turn. One of the giants reached down and picked me up with its dreadful, hairy, taloned paws.
Startled, the only thing I could do was inform it loudly and in no uncertain terms that this effrontery must cease forthwith.
But the language barrier prevented any meaningful communications. The giant produced a large, barrel-shaped vessel which was fitted at one end with some sort of flexible protuberance.
Despite my vociferous protests, the protruding apex of this awful machine was rudely thrust into my mouth.
The mechanism immediately began to exude some sort of sticky, sweet liquid. I must admit that I found its taste not unpleasant. My defenses were greatly weakened by my ordeal and I began to gulp down one mouthful after another. The substance filled a void that I hadn’t known existed.
It was a trap! My captors had laced the liquid with a powerful anesthetic agent that quickly rendered me unconscious. Upon regaining my senses, I found that I had been wrapped in an additional piece of cloth that seemed to focus unduly on my nether regions.
I couldn’t see this new clothing, but everything I had learned about my captors thus far told me that it was hopelessly unfashionable.
The horrific paws reached down for me yet again and I was hoisted high into the air until my face was mere inches from that of the paw’s owners. The giant grimaced and uttered a stream of unintelligible nonsense.
This time I held my peace, squinting my eyes in an effort to blot out the gruesome visage.
The giant transported me to a wall that had a crude portal installed within. A blindingly bright light poured in through the portal. Looking up, my heart leapt with joy!
The source of the light was a nearby star! This meant that the same laws of physics that rule the universe also applied on this bizarre planet!
In my mind’s eye, my escape plan suddenly snapped into sharp focus. I would dwell amongst these giants and let them feed me their sticky-sweet liquid, training myself to endure the inevitable bouts of unconsciousness.
I would toil insistently at rebuilding my strength. I would learn the giants’ language so I could secretly gather intelligence about their peculiar society. Most importantly, I would discover how to exploit their crude technology.
And then – no doubt many years hence – I would make my escape! These and other thoughts caused a feeling of delight to well up deep within me.
“Look!” boomed a nearby giant. “He was only born yesterday and he’s already smiling!”
“Yes,” beamed my captor. “Isn’t he just the cutest baby ever?”
Nelson is a freelance writer from Volga, S.D. Reach him by e-mail at email@example.com.
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